i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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