Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
