Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
