I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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