is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
