I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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