So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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