I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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