I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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