Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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