Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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