never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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