this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
