So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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