you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
