Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
