i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
