grandma shit on top of the toilet
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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