last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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