Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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