you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
