I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
