before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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