The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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