Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
