And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
