Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
