First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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