News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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