I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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