My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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