I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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