through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
