Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
