why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
