If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
