My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
