Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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