did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
