If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
