yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
