Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
