I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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