On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
