Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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