just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
