Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
