you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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