sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
