he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
