Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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