someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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