Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
