Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
